Dirty Dishes

I've moved

2009-09-17T15:58:00.002-06:00

If anyone still stops by here to check on me, I have moved. You can now read me at dishesaredirty.com. Thanks.

Ten

2009-08-27T00:01:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday Leo

Hello, My Friend. Hello.

2008-02-28T10:01:00.002-07:00

Oh, hai! I am alive, and finally crawling out from under my rock to tell you all that I'm taking a hiatus from blobbing. As if you didn't know. Sheesh.

I am fine. The kids are fine. Chris is fine. The zoo of animals we have in the house are all fine(except for Luke the goldfish. Dead. And Luigi the hermit crab. Dead.) and stinking up the place very nicely.

Last fall I found out that all my in-laws, immediate and extended, were also writing blogs on blogger. Shocking, I know. They finally found the Internet, and the joy of personal publishing. Welcome to the new millennium. Their blogs were mostly about crafting, and their kids, and their new home business, and how much they love the Mormon church. And when I found this out, my brain, my voice, my desire to write, all went dead. I don't have a good reason why. Maybe I felt like I had said all I had to say, that I had already put out there everything I needed to, and I could take a break. Mostly I think I felt like George in that one Seinfeld episode where he's talking to his mom about dating. She had split from George's dad, and was talking about how she was 'out there' looking for someone else. And George says something like, You are not out there because I am out there and if I see you out there, there isn't enough voltage in the universe to electroshock me back into coherence. Yep, that's how I felt.

So anyway, I'm finally getting around to saying goodbye, if there are any of you that still stop by to check on me. I may some day find my voice again. But for now I'm enjoying the silence.

Understanding different relationship models

2007-11-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

Sunny and her friend are playing with an old doll house. Being the little girls that they are, their world revolves around little furry creatures, so the tenants of this doll house are not a happy Mother, Father, and four small children with smiles permanently affixed to their plastic faces. No. Those figures have been tossed aside, and the house is owned by to small plastic dogs.

Sunny's dog is a boy, and the friends dog is a girl. The friend is very anxious for the two dogs to be married and not living in plastic sin.

Sunny very wisely states: "Gosh NO! They are NOT married. They love each other and they just connect really well. But they aren't married."

Reasons I Love Ikea

2007-11-15T09:56:00.001-07:00

Tongs

Lantern

Glass Jars

Posable Wooden Person

Pedant in the making

2007-11-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

Badger has just spent about an hour creating a small world out of cardboard and clay. He jumps up and down, like a jack rabbit on speed, and shouts for Leo to hurry over and bare witness to the awesomeness of his creation.

"See, this is the hot dog stand, and this is the tree, and these are the two moons in the sky! This is totally our island!"

Badger has pronounced the word 'our' like the letter R. This has obviously confused Leo, and he asks Badger to explain what an "R island" is exactly.

"You know, it's yours and mine."

"Oh, you mean OUR...you need to say it like ou-er. Ou-er."

"Yeah, whatever."

Winning Her Over

2007-11-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

one day at a time.

Fall in the Rockies

2007-11-09T10:33:00.001-07:00

can be so unpredictable.

11.8.07

2007-11-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

It is once again off track time here in our little corner of suburbia. As I've mentioned before my kids go to a school that is on a year round schedule. A school that once, all the way back in '05, held the proud distinction of being the most populated elementary school in the state of Utah. Go Mormons, and their love for multiplying and creating urban sprawl. Not that I have any room to talk, because I'm contributing to the sprawl just as much as the faithful church goers. I'm trying to do my part to limit the multiplying though. Even though I have three kids, which in some places constitutes a large family, here in Utah you aren't being a good Mormon if you don't have at least four. Because naturally every child you have over three multiplies your blessings by like a million. And naturally Jesus can shove my extra blessings up his ass.

We are thankfully nearing the end of our three week break, with all it's ups and downs. Sunny and Leo have been living life to the fullest, planted firmly on the couch in front of the video game du jour. Every suggestion I've made for an outing is met with disdain, because there is no XBox 360 at the Utah Children's Museum! And I don't have the energy to force them to be well rounded and interesting people. Let them be lumps because they will fit right in with all their suburban contemporaries. And one day they will resent the fact that I never took them anywhere.

My one hope is Badger, who has spent his off track time doing art projects. He has gone through an entire pack of nice white printer paper, drawing, cutting and endlessly taping. He tore through 3 packs of post-it notes, drawing a picture of a future occupation on each one. He has made at least 10 full sized paper people. He won't stop and he won't allow any of his creations to be discarded. It's as annoying as it is endearing. But a least it isn't video games.

Black Thumb

2007-11-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

Remember this shrub? The one of which I was so proud? The one that was alive in spite of my total gardening ignorance? That shrub?

This is what it looks like today:

It's dead as dead can be.

Obvious

2007-11-02T11:00:00.000-06:00

Chris stands in front of the fridge with the door wide open, desperately searching for a bottle of his One True Love: beer. Unable to find the desired object, he loudly proclaims:

"There is never any beer in this fridge, because someone drinks it too fast!"

Leo responds, completely deadpan with perfect timing:

"Ah, that would be you."

Favorite quote of the day

2007-08-14T11:49:00.000-06:00

"What if all there was to eat in the world was Toaster Waffles? Then every freezer would be full of Toaster Waffles, and every refrigerator would be full of butter. That would be awesome."

--my son Badger

Summer is Hot, Posting is Light

2007-08-01T23:02:00.000-06:00

Is it August? Already? Really? Nobody told me! Seriously. Nobody.

I've been wanting to write a post, a long post about how our neighbors hate us. It is a riveting story; complete with snow, junk cars, kids in yards, cat shit, and (gasp) the police! I've been trying to get down all the details in my head for quite some time. But now besides being incompetent and lazy, I am also going on vacation. One last trip before the kids start school and I vow to never leave the house again! ( A vow I just remembered will be broken a week later when I will be kidnapped and taken to Burning Man. I'm not going to be kidnapped because I don't want to go to The Worlds Largest Counter Culture Festival, but because that is the only way anyone is getting me to leave my house again this calender year. I don't like leaving my house. Period.)

Anyway, the neighbor story is coming soon-ish, in the mean time satiate yourselves with a picture of the Beast That Started It All:

Open Pit, Open Heart

2007-07-23T21:02:00.000-06:00

When our friends from Minnesota came to visit last month we took a tour of The Bingham Copper Mine which is The Worlds Largest Open Pit Mine, and is also The View I See From My Back Yard Everyday. When we give people directions to our house we always say: drive west till you run out of gas and almost hit the sun, then when you see those four huge completely destroyed mountains? When you see those turn left and you are there! This mine is so big it can be seen from space. Astronauts on the International Space Station can look down and say: Yep, the Earth is totally our bitch because we can dig a hole THAT big. But you may NOT walk around up there eating and spitting out sunflower seeds. And you may NOT run, jump, or take flash photography. And please, please, please! If you work there as a security guard, for Christ sakes, DO NOT have a sense of humor. Just FYI. It is however okay for two little boys to walk around holding hands, as Badger and his friend demonstrated. The mine needed a little more love, a little more hand holding. Thanks boys. Thanks.

Midnight and Me

2007-07-17T10:37:00.001-06:00

So cute and cuddly barn kitty we found in Canada. You have no idea how bad I wanted to take her home. And if this picture doesn't get you right there, then maybe it's time for you to let yourself start feeling again.

The Summer of Love

2007-07-12T10:33:00.000-06:00

We are finally done with vacations for a while, which means settling into the day to day routine of having all three kids home all day long because there is no school for them until August 20th. When I say 'we' I mean me and the kids, of course, because luckily Chris is going to work every day. And I say 'luckily' because right before we left for our vacation to Canada, everyone in Chris' office was laid off except for Chris and two other people. Ironically the other two people not laid off are also named Chris. This fact confirms what I have already known about this company for some time, that it is being steered by a retard. But, alas, I am grateful that for the time being we still have a paycheck coming in, so I can continue to max out my credit cards and lay by the pool all day long planning my next plastic surgery procedure.

So the kids and I are at home with our old friend Cartoon Network keeping us company. It has been so hot, and with the largest wildfire in Utah history burning in Central Utah, the air outside has become practically unbreathable. These two factors have made me reluctant to let the kids go outside to play. That and I'd also have to make them put something on instead of underwear. Which just seems like too much work right now. Sheesh.

You would think that between the Cartoon Network, Every Gaming System Know to Man, and the Interweb at my children's disposal there would be no room for boredom in this house. Oh how wrong you are! Happily my children react to boredom the same way most kids do, by either 1) whining till my ears bleed or 2)beating the living crap out of each other. It's been more 2 than 1 lately, which leaves me feeling like nothing more than a glorified referee. The problem is they seem to enjoy the fighting and wrestling up to a certain point. You know, it's all fun and games til someone loses and eyeball. Or a testicle. Or a clump of hair from their head. You get the idea.

It seems like Badger, living up to his name, generally begins the fighting by pushing, kicking, or jumping on Leo. And Leo will passively take it and laugh for a while, but grows tired and delivers a punch with 7 year old force to his 5 year old brother. And then they roll around on the floor in a ball of furry, punching and kicking like mad. This is usually where I come in and attempt to break it up, but that only seems to last for a minute, and the whole cycle begins again. For hours and hours. All day long. And more. Inevitably someone ends up crying, and I have to wash my hands of the whole thing because I TRIED TO GET YOU TO STOP ABOUT A THOUSAND TIMES AND YOU WOULD NOT LISTEN, FOR SHIT'S SAKE.

Sunny usually steers clear of these fights, but because of her extensive Tae Kwon Do training, when she does get involved it's pretty brutal. In some ways I feel really good about her having the skills to defend herself, being the only girl with two rowdy brothers. But on the other hand, being a girl doesn't give you the right to axe-kick your brother in the nards even if he was provoking you. Potential suitors, yes. Brothers, not so much. When she is a dating teenager I fully expect her to knife-hand boys in the neck who try to go past second base. But I would rather she find a different way to deal with her brothers fighting than to potentially ruin my chances of having grandchildren someday.

Honestly, I love having the kids at home. I miss them when they are gone at school. But I think that missing is a good thing. It makes me appreciate my time with them more. And they appreciate each other more too. This year Badger starts kindergarten, which means I will have three deliciously lonely hours to myself every day. I'm looking forward to those hours. And I'm not. How will that time change me? I've had a kid around 24/7 for the last 9 years. I'm not sure where I go from here. And I've got about a month to figure it out.

Until then, let the fighting commence.

Hi! I'm Lame! Sorry!

2007-07-08T15:33:00.000-06:00

Did I forget to mention to you all that I was going on vacation? AGAIN? A week after I had just been on vacation? For another WHOLE WEEK? I think I did. And I suck for it.

In my defense, I was sick and charged with the job of preparing five people to go to the Canadian Rockies for a whole week. And I was menstruating. TMI, I know.

Anyway, the vacation was nice and all that blah blah blah! We hiked and played and ate a TON of ice cream in one of the most beautiful places on earth.

Plus we were visited by this guy:

IN OUR BACK YARD!

And our cabin was about half a block away from this place:

And we hiked up this little mountain thingy and took this picture:

of where we were going to to swimming in the FREEZING GLACIER WATER. And then we did. Go swimming. In it. Well, some of us anyway.

Plus, we were lucky enough to be there in Canada on July 1st, which happens to be Canada Day! And everyone there is so nice, that at least 50 or more strangers wished me a Happy Canada Day. I love our neighbors to the north. But once again, I'm happy to be home.

Note to Self

2007-06-27T12:32:00.000-06:00

Dear Danica,

While laying in bed, sick as a dog with symptoms similar to that of kids recent Walking Pneumonia, DO NOT take cold pill with hours old coffee from mug on your nightstand. You may begin to sneeze, subsequently spilling coffee all over your brand new WHITE comforter cover from Ikea.

Thanks,
Danica

Favorite quote of the day, sort of

2007-06-26T10:28:00.000-06:00

"Mom, I figured out the real reason why you are here: to wipe my butt and buy me toys. I love you."

--my son Badger

Home Again

2007-06-22T11:23:00.000-06:00

We returned from Mexico last weekend, and the unpacking/adjusting to home process has taken longer than I expected. Plus we had house guests. And my kids discovered Webkinz, and they have been using my computer for that evil purpose for several days. Also did I mention the walking pneumonia the kids have? No? Walking Pneumonia. Yikes.

Our vacation was really wonderful and relaxing. All of my anxiety disappeared once we arrived at our destination in Baja. We all really enjoyed ourselves. Maybe we will have to do it again next year, without catching the Walking Pneumonia.

Leo and Badger about to be swollowed by a wave

Sunny and Friend looking out over the ocean from the back yard of our beach house

Baja sunset begins

Believe it or not they are sisters

2007-06-06T22:45:00.000-06:00

This one LOVES me

This one HATES me

I just know this is going to make you feel better

2007-06-05T09:20:00.000-06:00

For the last month or so I have been laying in bed every night, fighting to overcome all my imagined stress, and figure out a way to fall blissfully into the nothingness of sleep. I've come up with quite an awesome coping strategy, I lay there and write posts for this blog in my head. They are all funny and insightful and irreverent...all the things that have made me the famous blogger that I am. And every night as I finally drift off I promise myself to remember that post, and for THE LOVE of Peter, Paul and Mary, I will post it in the morning! (this is the part that is making you feel good. I am writing to you guys. A ton. Sweet Jesus, a ton.)

I think by now you get the part where, by the time the harsh light of the sun and the sound of the alarm comes my way I have completely forgotten the post I wrote in my head the night before. It's gone, and I am back on planet Earth, where I have imagined that NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT FOR ME. And where I know how to be dramatic, for shits sake. I realize that the obvious solution to my forgetfulness is to have my laptop actually IN FRONT of me when I am writing. But that would just be too easy, wouldn't it? And I'm hell bent on making life as hard as possible for myself. It's my mission statement: Be miserable or die trying. And of course, never forget to be dramatic.

The kids are finishing school this week, and we are headed off on a sweet vacation south of the border. And this little vacation is causing me more stress and anxiety than I have had in ever so long. Vacation! I should be excited and relaxed and motherfucking stress free, at the prospect of vacation. I swear to Bob, I wish I had a new brain.

I kinda feel better now though, after writing this and actually typing it out and all. It feels good to get it out there, my craziness. I read somewhere that depressed people shouldn't isolate themselves, because it only makes things worse. Sadly isolation is one of the things I know how to do very well. So thanks for being there for me readers, all 10 of you, even if it's just passively 'being there'. Thanks for being my support system when I actually take the time to put my fingers to the keyboard. Now, don't y'all feel better?

Wishing you could smell this picture

2007-05-31T08:50:00.000-06:00

Although I planted these flowers, I'm not sure what they are called. They smell wonderful regardless.

Technology we are glad wasn't avaliable in 1977, for the good of the Galaxy

2007-05-30T10:17:00.000-06:00

"These Imperial Officers are looking up 'Rebel Plans' on the Wikipedia! OH NO!"

--my son Badger, while playing the video game Lego Star Wars 2

Jam Session

2007-05-23T10:52:00.001-06:00

Sunny, Badger, and Friend found these instruments in the basement and formed an impromptu band. Please do not be confused, we have no musical ability and these are not our instruments. We are "storing" them for a family member. I don't think this is the kind of "storage" they had in mind, but the kids were too damn adorable to stop. We were helpless against their cuteness! Plus they didn't sound that bad. And we had been drinking.

Multi-talented

2007-05-18T10:07:00.001-06:00

Sunny kicks the soccer ball and talks on the phone, at the same time.

Shoes

2007-05-17T09:30:00.000-06:00

About a week ago Leo started complaining that his old shoes were too tight on his feet. Leo has short, wide feet a lot like Chris' feet which strongly resemble those of Fred Flintstone. This means that Leo's shoes always start to hurt him on the sides rather than the end when they become too small. It also makes the right kind of shoes somewhat hard to find. They have to be loose and stretchable and reasonably priced so I won't lose my mind when they don't fit again in a few months. Naturally, I heard "shoes too tight" and automatically thought: Target! and Shopping! I immediately ran out and found these super cute shoes:

To me they say: loose and easy to get on, yet hip and fun! And initially Leo felt the same. He wore them to school for a few days, then he came home complaining that a little girl in his class kept stepping on his feet because of these shoes. Being as wise in the ways of women as I am, I know that a little girl stepping on a little boy's feet= love. However to Leo getting his feet stepped on = pain. Not so much different from grown up love Leo! Learn your lesson now. Surprisingly this lesson is lost on him though, and his solution is to never wear the shoes again.

While at Target I also found this really cute shoes for Sunny, even though she hadn't asked for new shoes, I saw these and I thought: how punk rock in a cute and sassy way!

But Sunny was immediately skeptical, saying she wasn't sure if it was OK to wear these kinds of shoes to school because she had never seen anyone else wearing them. I pointed out that Leo had worn this very kind of shoe to school without any repercussions, other than being stepped on. He was not sent to the Principal, or asked to not wear that kind of shoes for any reason. This made no difference to her because he is only in first grade, and she is in third, so maybe the rules are different? So now I am somewhat worried about the implications of having a child who will not do anything unless she has seen someone else do it first. But I suppose I am mostly worried because that behavior really mirrors the way I was as a child, only I had way less personality and spunk than Sunny has. I am hopeful she will get past the fear of being different or wrong. It's a hard way to live, wanting to be right for everybody else and not thinking about what is right for you. It's something I didn't learn until I was like 30.

This morning when Sunny got ready for school she put on her clogs, similar to these ones of Badgers (only hers are pink):

and as she headed out the door she said: "I've seen lots of people wear these kind of shoes to school, so I know it's alright."

I know Sunny is strong, and will be a leader. I'm sure of it. Just not when it comes to shoes.

Wherein I am compared to a child from our Neighborhood

2007-05-07T09:32:00.000-06:00

"Mom, did you know you are only as tall as a 12 year old? But you are really so much older."

--my son Badger

How Spring Sprung and Blogging Fell By the Wayside

2007-05-03T08:59:00.000-06:00

Excuses, excuses...I know. Lemme think of a good one here.....blargh! I got nothin! And that pretty much aptly describes the state of my lil brainsky lately...Nothin. No spark, no fire, no ideas. Nothin.

However, I will say that the weather in good ole SLC has been beautiful of late and I have been spending lots of time outside watching Tony take care of the lawn. Oh, and we pulled out this old dead tree in our back yard and planted a new one. The old one died a couple of years ago because at that time we didn't really know that, guess what? Trees planted in the desert need to be watered! And watered a lot. So the poor thing shriveled up and died of thirst. But we won't make that same mistake twice, no Sir! This new tree is getting all the water we've got, and if it dies I'm gonna know that Utah has beaten me, and beaten me good.

A week or so ago I came across this picture posted by Heather of a beautiful view of the Wasatch mountain range, similar to the view I get to see every day (I know, I'm lucky). Someone made the comment that it looked like us stupid Utahans had pulled out all the trees and replaced them with houses. That was like the funniest thing I'd ever read ( yes I'm easily amused). Because I moved here from Missouri, where there are A LOT of trees. Trees that just grow by themselves, can you believe it? And after I moved here, I kept telling Chris that this place sucked because NO TREES. And he kept saying "There are trees here silly!" But the thing is, are you listening stupid commenter that said we are pulling out trees?, THERE IS NOT ONE TREE IN ALL OF THIS VALLEY THAT WASN'T PLANTED AND EXCESSIVELY WATERED BY SOMEBODY. No one is randomly pulling out trees to build nice suburban houses and shopping malls. We are all fighting tooth and nail to keep these trees happy and alive. And these trees, every one I've ever seen here, they all look like they would really rather be living somewhere else. Sometimes I agree with them. But I have to say most of the time I'm glad that this place, where nature is rugged and beautiful and fragile all at the same time, this place is my home.

Another picture of pretty clouds and things which I took with my camera

2007-04-20T22:32:00.000-06:00

And it's totally obvious that the natural beauty in this photo was created by his Noodly Holiness. THERE CAN BE NO OTHER EXPLANATION.

When allowing your kids to swear becomes deliciously awesome

2007-04-19T10:31:00.000-06:00

Leo: How much longer is George W. Asshole going to be our president?

Me: About two more years.

Sunny: Two more years of George W. Shithead Asshole?! Man I hate that guy!

The one given soda also smelled like rotting

2007-04-17T22:11:00.000-06:00

This is Sunny's Science Fair project. She watered the one on the left with Sprite and the one on the right with water. Surprisingly the grass LOVED the water, and did not love the Sprite. I think the conclusion of the experiment is that grass has a very dissimilar taste in beverages than children.

Favorite quote of the day

2007-04-13T09:44:00.000-06:00

"Man, I hate the cereal box people. They always make it look like you can get the toy inside the box when really it is a mail in offer. It's such a scam. Just like church."

-my son Leo

Look! It's the Lehi Roller Mills!

2007-04-11T10:03:00.000-06:00

Did you know they filmed Footloose here? Yep it's true. Right in the heart of Utah County. Claim to fame, people. It doesn't get better.

For a minute I lost myself

2007-04-10T10:36:00.000-06:00

We had a nice weekend, with just Badger home, even though he followed me around talking about video games at a gozillion miles an hour. And we missed Sunny and Leo tons. The days were so strangely...(I want to say quiet here but quiet isn't right because it wasn't quiet with all the Badger talking, it was noisier, so much noisier but with less fighting and friends over eating all my snacks)....empty (that's the right word) without them.

It was great spending time with just Badger though, and I think that is important for him because being the youngest I think he feels ignored many times. So besides spending a lot of time bonding over video games with Chris this weekend, Badger also did this:

Went to Target to spend some allowance money and purchased the pin toy thingy.

Rode his bike around the back patio.

Stalked an enemy target.

Got a basket from the Easter Bunny, after which he exclaimed: "So Halloween and Easter are both about candy!" Yes Badger, the heathen Easter is exclusively about candy. Yay!

Sunday afternoon we drove down to Utah County to pick up Sunny and Leo. We were so happy to see them. So happy to have them back. I especially felt so happy that these amazing little people are a part of my family. And happy that, even though it is sometimes hard to live, life is its own reward.

Remarkably, this shrub is still alive in my yard

2007-04-06T11:24:00.000-06:00

Proof that some things thrive with neglect.

Travel Plans

2007-04-04T09:23:00.000-06:00

Today I'm busy trying to get Sunny and Leo ready to go out of town for Easter weekend. They will be spending the weekend with their grandparents and cousins in the sunny Southwest, while Chris, Badger, and I will be at home getting drunk. This is going to be a nice little trip for them, because they have been off-track for the last two weeks and have been using that time to tear up the house and beat each other senseless. So instead they will be able to swim in the pool, and play with cousins and of course get their yearly injection of Jesus. This injection means that Sunny will probably return home feeling guilty and Leo feeling annoyed. But hopefully, at least someday, they will know they really aren't missing anything.

Favorite quote of the day

2007-03-30T10:12:00.000-06:00

"Do you know what? When I take a shit it feels soooooo good. But can you check if my butt is schmeery?"

-my son Leo

Full Circle

2007-03-28T16:12:00.000-06:00

So I've mentioned several times that I have been painting different rooms around my house over the last few weeks. It's like a disease, this painting thing, and it's now in my blood and I can't stop but DEAR GOD! I want to stop. And the funny thing is I didn't ever, I mean never ever, think I would be the person that paints there entire house with every room a different color.

Last weekend I was talking about the painting, because it is so obviously the only thing I have in my life, and Chris reminded me of something really funny. He asked me if I remembered the state of our first house when we bought it. Did I? Remember? That house? How could I not!

The first house we bought after we were married was 1,100 square feet of 1970's glory packed in a rambler with lava rock decorating the outside. But really the outside was tame compared to what lay inside. For one thing, the house was inhabited by no less than 7, and sometimes even up to 9, overweight adults. In 1,100 square feet. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms. Nine people. Nine very big people. Apparently to spice things up, because all those people weren't enough, they had painted every single room a different color. And every single room had a different color and style of carpet, including the kitchen and bathrooms. And to top that all off they had used the space under the back yard deck as a garbage dump. I know, I know, that has nothing to do with paint, but I believe it speaks to the level of taste and care these people took with their home.

The first thing we did when we got the keys, besides change the locks, was paint the whole house in the same neutral color. Then we ripped out all seven different colors of carpet and put down some nice neutral carpet and vinyl flooring. And finally we removed about 25 garbage bags worth of junk from under the deck. We spent the next four years in that house, making no end of fun of the previous owners and their tastelessness.

Do you see the irony people? I lived here, in our new house, four years before I became so bored of the neutral walls that I snapped. And so I've been painting. Each of the kids rooms different color. The bathrooms a different color. The kitchen, dining room, living room, basement, ALL IN THEIR OWN COLOR. My God, I have become those people! The ones I made fun of. The ones with no taste. That is now me. Please no one look under my deck. I'm afraid of what you'll find.

Absenteeism

2007-03-26T12:06:00.000-06:00

If there is one thing about my life that I frequently regret, it's my complete inability to deal. Or, maybe more accurately, the way I chose to deal with things that are overwhelming to me. I like to hide. I deal by not dealing, which any adult can tell you is totally stupid and won't get you anywhere.

Lots of times when I was growing up and I couldn't deal with school, socially or academically, I would just be sick for a few days. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this method of dealing actually made everything worse and more stressful because stuff doesn't just go away, it compounds. It gets WORSE, so much worse than if you had just fucking dealt with it in the first place. Sheesh!

I would like to think that this is a lesson I've learned and a behavior I no longer engage in, but if I thought that I would be lying to myself in addition to hiding from life which makes me even more pathetic.

Anyway, I wish I was going somewhere useful with this, but I'm not. Last week I was still doing painting projects around my house, and being depressed, and taking Sunny to the dentist to get an $800 appliance to help her stop sucking her thumb, and being depressed, and worrying about my cat who is licking herself bloody all over her body and the potential vet bill, and being depressed. And I'm on medicine people. What good is the stuff if it doesn't work some of the time? I'm not sure.

I think I've snapped out of my little episode of hiding and depression though. I had a really nice weekend. My friend Susan gave me some really good tips for things I can do at home to help my masochistic cat. I got my hair done for the first time in months, but I have to say I'm somewhat scared about what was done to it. The sun is out, the weather nice, and I am alive and present.

Clouds

2007-03-19T11:00:00.000-06:00

The sky above my house one evening last summer. This is one reason I totally love Utah, we have the best sunsets ever.

Home Improvements

2007-03-16T10:00:00.000-06:00

I have been painting up a storm over the last two weeks or so. I started with the basement, which I wrote about here. Then I moved on to the kids rooms, as I could no longer ignore the loud violent demands of my little monsters (er, I mean ANGELS) to have their rooms painted in their favorite colors. So I busted my ass, and painted all day long for three days so that I could have some peace and quiet. Now that I am done, I have observed just how closely the kids favorite colors reflect their personalities.

Leo's room in cool blue

Sunny's room in pale pink

Badger's room in screaming bright orange

His teenage years are going to be hell

2007-03-14T09:11:00.000-06:00

"I am smarter than you, Mom."

"Yes, Badger you are very smart."

"But I AM SMARTER THAN YOU!"

Daylight Saving Duh

2007-03-12T09:11:00.000-06:00

Dear Ben Franklin,

Thanks so much for making every spring a living hell by forcing me to get myself and my kids out of bed an hour earlier just so you can save some candles. I don't care about your candles, this shit blows!

and while I'm bitching:

Dear Girl Scouts,

Thanks so much for making every spring a fat fest, because your Thin Mint cookies are addictive. You should know that I have no self-control and when I order 4 boxes of these cookies I will eat them all by myself within a week. You are ruining my life, and any hope I have of my in-laws not commenting on how I need to start working out. Thanks for nothing!

Old Dog, No New Tricks

2007-03-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

this photo by Chris of Bear, the most lovable and annoying dog in the universe.

He came up with this completely ON HIS OWN

2007-03-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

"I love rock music. Rock music is the best. I want to listen to LOTS of rock music. Not hip hop. I can't stand hip hop. I don't even know how people can listen to hip hop. I think rock is the best."

-my son Leo while playing a really mean air guitar

Tree 2.27.2007

2007-03-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

2007-03-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

I decided yesterday that I was going to quit writing about all the ways in which we have been and are sick in this house. I'm finding it annoying. And if I'm annoyed by it, that has to mean that you all are are down right disgusted. I mean every day a new illness and you have to be saying, "For the love of Pete! What passes for hygiene in that house? Wiping their butts with their hands then eating a sandwich and washing it down with a glass of water from the ditch were their horses pee?" It must be horrifying. But my answer is: Yes, that IS what passes for hygiene in this house, except you forgot the part where we sit around eat each others boogies.

But I have this one more story to tell and it involves the fact that last night I took some cold medicine before bed, to clear my head of that jar-like feeling I so love. I took the medicine and laid down in my bed to die of the common cold, when Sunny came in and jumped up next to me and excitedly asked me to go down to her room and listen to her read. This is a nightly ritual, as she is required to read at least 20 minutes every night for her reading grade at school. Chris and I usually take turns listening to her read out loud from what ever book strikes her fancy that evening. Lately she has been picking these really big, ambitious, sixth grade level books like this one. I think she was inspired by her teacher, who is reading this book out loud to the class. I think it's just fine that she wants to read these difficult books, because it helps improve her reading skills, but generally her attention only lasts for a few chapters before she switches to a new book. I'm pretty sure that's age appropriate. Plus for me it's like getting the Reader's Digest version of Children's Classics.

So Sunny reads a few pages to me out of Inkspell while I lay on her bed next to her. I am tired, and sick, and beginning to feel the effects of my cold pill. I guess Sunny could sense my distraction, because after those first few pages she pauses reading and begins to quiz me.

"Now, tell me what happened in the page I just read Mom."

"Ah, ummm, ah....well, someone got read back into a book...?"

"And what was his name?"

"Ummm, well....ahhhh...."

"It's ok Mom, sometimes I have trouble paying attention too."

She smiled and patted my arm, and all I could think was wonderful, wonderful, and more wonderful. Oh, Sunny. Thank you so much for being the amazing, sweet, loving person that you are. When you came into my life you made everything more alive and more beautiful by teaching me how to love in a way I didn't know was possible. And you still teach me, every day.

Favorite quote of the Sick Day

2007-02-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

For the last few days I've been working on a little painting project in my basement, trying to cover up almost six years worth of nicks, scuffs, and pop bottle explosions with a fresh coat of semi-gloss beige. Because why should I try to clean the walls, when I can just cover them up? But really I'm just teasing myself there, because it is a fact that those walls were well beyond any cleaning of which humans are capable. Plus I love the smell of paint.

So yesterday, while Leo was home sick and laying on the couch watching cartoons, I went down to the basement to paint. I turned on the TV down there to keep me company. We have this like jumbo screen TV in our basement that sadly only ever gets used for playing Gamecube, but yesterday I turned on one of my favorite programs, The View, so I could hear Rosie and Joy talk over Elizabeth like she is not even in the room. Ahhh, never getting a word in edgewise brings back such warm fuzzy memories of my childhood. Thanks, Elizabeth. As soon as I turned it on I noticed that the colors were all messed up. Every ones faces were bright green, and the background was radiant blue. But because no one ever watches TV down there, and I was only having it on to listen to and not really watch, I didn't bother trying to fix the color.

After a few minutes Leo wandered downstairs to see what I was up to, and he stared at the TV for a long time before he asked me this question:

"What are you watching Mom?"

"It's called The View."

"Their faces are all green."

"Yeah, the color is messed up."

Then he says in a deadly serious tone: "I think this must be a show where radioactive people get together to talk about their lives."

Oh God, Leo. I can't wait for the day that you are in charge of television programming, because it's gonna be a hoot.

More Snow, More Sick

2007-02-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

My kitty loves to watch the snow falling.

And Leo doesn't love so much having croup for the second time this year. He does, however, love not having to go to school.

S is for Swing

2007-02-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

Inappropriately dressed for the weather

2007-02-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

Call me crazy, but this just doesn't make me feel better

2007-02-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

For my birthday, which comes every year just one measly day before the biggest holiday in all of consumer and Christendom, a friend of mine gave me a little desk calender. It is appropriately themed "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff", because my friend was tired of me never knowing what the date or day was. I guess my every-day-is-a-holiday-when-you're-unemployed attitude was wearing terribly thin. Also I think my friend was making a not so subtle allusion to my non-medicated neurotic behavior and the actual copious amounts of sweat I would routinely shed over very little things.

You see, non-medicated Danica lays awake at night for hours worrying about every minute detail in her life and the life of everyone she knows and loves. She spends days (and I mean DAYS) running every conversation she has had in the last month over in her head, analyzing every word she said and all the ways in which she sounded like an idiot. Non-medicated Danica's eyes well up with tears several times a day because she believes the world is actually crashing in on her. It's not pretty, and for much of last year I was that person. And for a long time I thought that person was ok, or I was trying really hard to make her O.K. because I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I didn't want people to think that I was just some lonely, bored, unfulfilled housewife who needs an anti-depressant to choke down the bleakness of her world. Because that's what I use alcohol for, people.

It finally became to much around the anniversary of my brothers death, and in December I got a new doctor. After discussing with her my personal and family history of depression, she suggested I go back on medication. I decided to give it a shot, and I've been very happy with the results.

My little desk calender has also helped, in its own small way, by giving me something to look forward to every day. It's the kind where you rip off a new page every day revealing a different inspiring quote. On most days I find the messages thoughtful and encouraging, but today's quote gave me pause.

It reads:

"Imagining yourself at your own funeral allows you to look back at your life while you still have the chance to make some important changes."

And yes I am now medicated, but that? That right there is a visual I don't really need.

G. I. Badger

2007-02-21T10:18:00.000-07:00

My husband Chris and our friend Elliot are geeks. Nice, sweet, adorable geeks. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit this, but we actually met Elliot through some friends that Chris met playing Quake 2 on the Internet. True story. And they are all totally normal people. Well, as normal as we are, and maybe that's not so normal. Anyway, the point is we are now friends with people we met on the Internet like 8 years ago. But now I realize that wasn't my point at all, my point was that Elliot and Chris are geeks and I will start to make sense here sometime.

So for the last month or so they have been geeking out by playing Rainbow Six Vegas on Xbox Live all night 2 times a week. And here is where all my witty remarks and observations reach a complete stalemate, because I am totally lost in the gaming world and I have no idea what to say about it, other than it's possibly the biggest time sink I've ever had the misfortune to encounter. Maybe even bigger than reality TV or People Magazine or the Interweb in general. Because of course none of the things I do are time wasters, only things others do when they should be TAKING OUT THE TRASH. But I'm not gonna get down on gaming (anymore than I just did) because for my guys it's a nice entertaining outlet that they participate in moderately and not to excess as is the case with some people. And again I'm am off on a tangent and not following along with the original spirit of what I was intending to write. Sorry.

Some nights when Chris is playing, long after Sunny and Leo have gone to dreamland, Badger being stubbornly awake will climb up on his lap and play with him. As a result Badger has become very interested in all things military. This has sparked the recent purchase of lots of generic brand army guy action figures, tanks, and helicopters that Badger plays with constantly. Last night he brought them in to the kitchen and began giving us a bio of his crew.

To begin with, this is Nick:
Nick is the leader. He has lots of skills. And a cool hat.

This is Bob and George:

Bob was injured in a gun fight trying to retrieve some intel. George has a sweet PSG1 which scares the freaking heck out of people.

And finally, Badger explained, this guy's name is Bitch:

The other guys call him Bitch because he doesn't ever know where anything is. Chris mentioned that maybe he should be called Bitch as well, for that very same reason. I agreed.

Here is Nick and Bitch and the whole crew riding into the sunset and Badger is either on his way to becoming a career military man or a total gamer geek. I'm pulling for the latter as it seems to be less stressful on the family.

Garden Hose

2007-02-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

Tag, I'm It.

2007-02-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

My good Internet friend Stardust has tagged me to list my five favorite quotes. She had the good sense to leave me a comment about it, knowing that even though I had read her post in which I was tagged, I had no idea she was talking about me. I am that oblivious. If it doesn't have something to do with Pokemon, Spongebob, or Access Hollywood, I have obviously learned to filter it out. AS WELL I SHOULD!

Anyway, if you are one of those people who regularly reads this blog you know already that some of my favorite quotes come from my three beautifully funny children, but here are 5 other quotes I really like:

1. "The great religions are the ships, poets the life boats. Every sane person I know has jumped overboard. That is good for business, isn't it Hafiz?"-- Hafiz (from the Gift)

2. "I do like him. I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to God I could meet somebody I respect..."-- J.D. Salinger (from Franny and Zooey)

3. "Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."-- Elizabeth Stone

4. "If you are depressed, please know that you are not alone. Please get help. If you know someone who is depressed, please understand that they are in pain, and please help them get help. Most importantly, listen to music a little louder, dance a little crazier, sing out loud in the shower, honk your horn for no reason, give your dog an extra treat, call your mother and tell her you love her, hug your friends even if they aren’t the touchy-feely type, eat french fries once even though your diet tells you not to, walk around your house naked, and hold tight to your motherfucking family."-- Heather Armstrong

5. "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."-- Lily Tomlin

Favorite quote from Valentines Day

2007-02-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

"Leo, do you want to take these treats to pass out to your class?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"It's against my personality."

Knee deep in vomit and happy

2007-02-13T16:09:00.000-07:00

That's right folks, we are suffering through our second round of stomach flu in about a month. It started on Sunday night with Badger throwing up in the car and then continuing to do so on throughout the night. Then spread to Sunny on Monday morning, and finally culminated in Leo chucking up purple and red Trix at 3:30 this morning two inches from where I was sleeping in my bed.

But I have to say I'm glad that we are all home and safe, when something this senseless has happened so close to home.

Photo Booth Fun

2007-02-09T00:38:00.000-07:00

Because I felt a little bored today

2007-02-08T16:03:00.000-07:00

I have changed the template for my blog. If you find this at all jarring, then I am sorry. Sometimes I like to change things up, as long as it's not my clothes, or my hair, or where I go to sleep at night. Everything else is fair game. Maybe.

Mathematics

2007-02-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

"When did you and dad get married?"

"In October of 1995."

"And it takes nine months to have a baby...so when was I born?"

"In May of 1998, well past nine months Sunny."

"Ok, I was just checking."

Sign

2007-02-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

Snowboarding proves to me once again that I am its bitch

2007-02-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

Because we are all finally recovered from the hellish sickness that was January, on Saturday Chris and I went snowboarding. It was my first time going this season, which brings my grand total of snowboarding trips up to three. And it was also my first time using my new snowboard that I got for Christmas. Last year I borrowed a snowboard from my sister-in-law, who is at least 6 inches taller than I am, so her board was a bit too long for my needs. My new board is the perfect size, and I'm positive that if it wasn't strapped to a complete athletic retard that it would be a perfect board.

So I spent Saturday falling down a mountain, and today I am so sore I can barely move. I had almost given up hope that I would ever be able to do anything but slide on my heel edge without eating serious snow, until the very last run when something finally clicked in my brain and I began to almost carve. Almost. I have to give most of the credit for my almost carving to the beer I had right before the run. The rest of the credit goes to Chris, who showed the patience of a saint and continued to give me feedback and helpful instruction.

Last year I bought a boarding outfit on sale. An 'All Sales are Final' kind of sale. It was a cute outfit in the store, brown with pink accents, but I didn't really realize until I got home with this outfit that it made me look like a giant turd. A giant turd with pink accents that is. I decided it was fitting though, for me to look like a big piece of shit because I was merely personifying my actual snowboarding ability. However, the highlight of my day on Saturday was as I was getting off the lift for another round of pain and heel edge sliding, a guy who got off right behind me called out "Hey, that's a cool outfit!" I managed to spit out a "Thanks!" before he took off gracefully down the run. And I was at first quite moved by his compliment. Maybe I don't look like an enormous piece of poo. Maybe I really do look cool. But then I realized the most logical explanation is that he works as a rep for the company that made my outfit, and he fought hard to sell the turd brown monstrosity. Oh well, at least I made his day.

Sickfest 2007

2007-01-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting a lot lately, and I want to assure the 6 or 8 of you reading this that I am not abandoning you! My dishes are still dirty. Dirty right to the core. For you, people. For you.

Anywho...my lack of posting is most directly attributed to the fact that at least two members of my family (and sometimes all five) have been sick at any given time for the entire year. First it was a cold, then the flu, then a stomach bug (it was a gross one, trust me), and then yes THEN we found out we all have strep throat. All of us. So we are all on antibiotics now. I stupidly assumed that antibiotics meant we were out of the woods. Stupid. The boys have fevers today, and I'm really not sure why. And they are all coughing like crazy, left over from their colds. And I am so sick of sickness I could explode. Happy New Year!

Favorite quote of the day

2007-01-17T21:10:00.000-07:00

"You wanna hear my new motto? 'Leo: Tastes just like chicken!' "

--my son Leo

Favorite quote where my 4 year old sounds like he is 44

2007-01-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

"Good night Leo, I love you!"

"Night Badger, I love you too."

"Mom, don'tcha just LOVE Leo?"

"Yes, I really do."

"Me too. Me too."

Helpers

2006-12-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

This woman had a needle in my arm

2006-12-14T09:06:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor a couple of days ago, for the first time in, oh just about forever. Unless you count my OBGYN, which frankly I don't because his office was like being put on a human assembly line where you get in, get your business looked at, and then get out without ever making eye contact with anyone. Oh well, I suppose that such is the nature of the baby business in the state with the highest birth rate in the country. You can't reasonably expect personal service from a man who is seeing about 100 vagina's a day. You just can't.

So I finally decided to get a normal doctor, one who could take care of my whole self, not just the parts that multiply and replenish the earth. Over all the experience was very good, although it is somewhat nerve wracking to be sitting on a table wearing only a flimsy gown with a grand canyon sized opening at the back and talking about allergies and depression at the same time. It's like, I have all these cats so my nose is stuffy and I know you can see my ass right now but you are doing a good job of not looking at it. Thanks.

By far my most favorite part of the visit was having my blood taken. Since my pediatrician was probably the last person who gave me a physical, my doctor decided to do a whole work up on me, which included taking 4 vials of blood. I'm not afraid of needles at all. I am afraid of the people who use them however. I don't think that phlebotomy is an exact science, I think it just takes a lot of practice. And I don't really want to be one of the people who gets practiced on, you know what I'm sayin? I have small deep veins that like to bounce around and that always makes the blood drawing process more fun. Having a chatty phlebotomist also makes it more fun. This one talked non-stop during the whole process, and here is not even the most shocking excerpt from her monologue:

"I wish when women were done with their plumbing, it would just fall out because seriously I don't need it anymore so what is it good for? I mean, if I was at home and it started to fall out I would just pull it out the rest of the way, throw it in the garbage, and go about my business."

Not a way I'd looked at it before. Thank you for putting that picture in my head. And I REALLY HAVE NO RESPONSE TO THAT.

Star

2006-12-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

It's as black as my shriveled up, fraudulent soul.
Happy Holidays

My Favorite Place is My Dreams

2006-12-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

Sunny's beautiful entry for the Reflections contest, in watercolor

Hung me on your tree, you did.

2006-12-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

Beginning to rethink swearing policy

2006-12-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

"Good morning Badger. How did you sleep?"

"I slept motherfucking good."

Moon over hazy Salt Lake Valley tonight

2006-12-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

What's with all the hate?

2006-12-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

There is a subject that I have been wanting to write about for a long time, but I've been afraid of my limited capacity to do it justice. I just get so angry and upset when I think about it that my mind goes blank. I can't make sense of it. I can't wrap my mind around it. I can not understand it, let alone write about it. But today I'm going to give it a shot.

For over a year now my parents have been sending me hate mail. This hate mail comes in the form of alerts from a website that my parents subscribe to called the American Family Association. It should really be called the Straight Christian Family Association of Bigots, because that would be much more accurate. On their website they say they are an organization that is dedicated to, among other things, holding companies accountable for supporting programs that attack traditional family values. Or you could say they are hate peddling douche bags with their heads up their asses. Apparently my parents have chosen to take up hate as a hobby in their retirement, reading and following the teachings of that website with a similar devotion that they give to their other hobbies of arguing and reading scriptures, which is to say they are VERY devoted.

The first e-mail alert they forwarded me was calling for a boycott of Target stores, because they were making a corporate contribution to a gay and lesbian charity. I was blown away. Could they be serious? Were they really afraid that any support of gay people would somehow be an affront to their family and their belief in Jesus? Were people really that close minded? Sadly the answer to all those questions was YES. Not just yes, but YES. Because I was still in the midst of my disbelief when I casually mentioned something to my mother about shopping at Target. She informed me that she didn't shop there anymore because "homosexuality is morally wrong." To which I lamely responded that gay people were people too! , because naturally I can't ever think of the right thing to say at the right time. And I was somewhat stunned to think that it was my job to point out the obvious truth to my mother, that we were all human beings that deserved the same rights and privileges as everyone else. That supporting and giving rights to gay people in no way diminishes straight people. It makes us all stronger, more loving people. Plus I was worried I might take it too far and offend her by saying that her morals were an antiquated shield of bigotry and hate. She might have gotten mad at me.

The emails kept coming, and I was getting more angry all the time. Boycott Ford, write your congressman letting them know where you stand on gay marriage, and sign a petition to bring religious(i.e. christian, because what other religion is there that even matters?) celebrations back into schools! Every time I got one of these I wrote an angry email response about how ugly hate in the name of God can be, and really I almost hit the send button every time. But only almost, because I was convinced of the ineffectually of my response.

This Thanksgiving my family came to my house for dinner. The hot new AFA action alert was Wal-mart and their donation of money to a gay and lesbian center, resulting in a boycott of their stores the weekend after Thanksgiving. This topic came up in conversation many times, to which I continually interjected my liberal, amoral ideals. I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer, although I probably could have chosen a more eloquent and adult way to address the subject. So when they would say how dumb Wal-mart was for taking a stand on this issue, I would yell out, "Yeah, and gay people should have their own bathrooms and drinking fountains too!" with unmistakable sarcasm people, unmistakable. All my comments were ignored. I was not in the room. I was not speaking. Every time I said something their eyes glazed over and I could almost hear them singing "How Great Thou Art" or another favorite hymn inside their heads to wash their minds of the words coming from my vile forked tongue. It would have been really funny if it wasn't so sad.

I am continually amazed at people who claim to be followers of Jesus, and then feel justified in spreading hate and intolerance in his name. It's been a while since I've been to church but I thought Jesus taught two basic rules: 1) love the lord, and 2) love thy neighbor as thyself. It's in the Bible all you Christian people, so what's with all the hate?

Hair Cut, Finally. Punk Rock, Naturally.

2006-12-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

Meditating Badger

2006-11-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

This doesn't bode well for Badger

2006-11-17T16:14:00.000-07:00

"Don't you know that watching too much TV at bed time causes BRAIN LESIONS?"
-my son Leo

They grow up too fast

2006-11-14T16:37:00.000-07:00

"Mom, is Santa a real live person?"

"Yes."

"No, I asked if he was REAL and ALIVE?"

"Well, what do you think Badger?"

"I think people just made him up."

Leo alternately offers praise for the service industry

2006-11-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

"Mom, I have two words about this mornings breakfast. Best. Cinnamon rolls. Ever."

Leo has become extremely critical of the service industry

2006-11-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

"Mom, can I have a glass of water?"

"Yes."

"Well, that glass of water is NOT going to get itself!"

Who Needs Enemies?

2006-11-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

I had a friend when I was in High School. She always said I was her best friend. I often wondered about this because I know some people throw around the phrase best friend the same way they would say pop tart or new shoes, it has like that much meaning for them. Which is what I think she was doing because frankly I never felt like I was treated the way someone should treat their best friend.

She was a party girl. Therefore she was always inviting me to these raging parties, where I didn't know anyone other than HER, and then subsequently ditching me to hook up with guys. This happened at least five different times (which people, is four more times than I should have let it happen, but again she was my best friend, right? I was supposed to let her fucking walk all over me!). Anyway it took me a long time to realize (like yesterday) that what she was doing was using me for cover. I can hear it now, her talking to her parents "I'm going to this party, but Danica is coming with me so nothing is going to happen." And by nothing she meant she was going to get naked with some slit-eyed stinky pot-head in his room upstairs, while Danica? Sweet little Dani? She sits on the couch and wishes she was dead, after drunkenly throwing herself at a boy who pretended to have a really bad cold in order to get away.

Oh the memories, all those good best friend memories, just flooding back. She once stranded me at someones house for two days. TWO DAYS. Because she was drunk the ENTIRE time, and said I couldn't leave her but also could not take her home because her parents would freak. Never mind that MY parents were going to disown me when I got home. Never mind that I had to sleep in the bed of a stinky bass player named Jim, who was either so nice or so repulsed by me that he slept on the floor. I'm gonna go with nice though, to give Jim the benefit of the doubt. Mostly because he was the only one of the 5 guys that lived together in that house who didn't have sex with my best friend in those two days. Frankly I think he deserves an award.

That was the last time I let her take me anywhere. Really I think I only saw her once or twice after that. I went away to college, and she continued on her blind drunk path of self destruction. I get a card from her around Christmas time every year though. She still calls me her best friend, which I find both funny and sad.

So for some reason yesterday I was thinking about her, and other people who have called me their best friend, but when the chips were down acted very shitty and unbest friendish. I mean I have spent many lonely unmedicated hours wondering why I haven't made any really good friends since I moved to Utah. And yesterday I finally saw my life through the lens of these past fuck ups and I've decided the problem is me. I just don't trust people enough to become friends with them. Because, as the old cliche goes, with friends like the ones I've had....

Edit: Upon further inspection and recollection I realize that I may have given you all the impression that I was a drunkard in High School. This is totally not true. I was too uptight and repressed to participate in any kind of drinking/partying until I was after the age of 18, which as you know is the legal drinking age in Canada. Even though I lived in Missouri. All these events must have taken place when I was at home on break from the uptight and repressed Mormon collage I attended. Thank You.

Sunset in Utah County

2006-11-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

It really is Happy Valley

Electronic wonders and bodily fluids make good reading

2006-11-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

...while holding Badger with one arm, and tapping the new electronic voting machine with the other. I LOVED the new electronic voting machine, it was so simple and stress free that I didn't even break a sweat. Because of that, I'm fairly certain that the dampness I felt on my side while holding Badger was from his partially peed pants. Which I have to say was almost as gross as stepping in a smallish puddle of vomit on the carpet last night, left over from Sunny and Leo playing the spin-around-in-the-chair-until-you-throw-up game. The moral of my story? Go vote today everybody!

Holiday Card Photo

2006-11-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when I attempt to take a nice photo of my three children. I have 20 others exactly like this (photos, not children). This picture is absolute proof that my kids have learned to filter out my voice completely, or else the phrase "LOOK AT ME AND SMILE" means nothing to them.

Leo proclaims concern over the state of the Economy

2006-11-02T10:08:00.000-07:00

"Mom, why do you only ever make cereal or Toaster Strudels for breakfast? Why can't I ever even maybe have some scrambled eggs?"

"You can, but not this morning because we are out of eggs right now."

"OUT OF EGGS? It's like we are poor or something."

I don't believe in God, I believe in science

2006-11-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we purchased the movie Nacho Libre on DVD. And I was totally flipping excited to watch it, since I missed it in the theaters just like I've missed nearly every movie in the theater since about mid year 1998. Having children dramatically effects your theater going ability. Dramatically people. Although this is Utah and people just take their kids to the movies anyway. For some reason parents here in the land of Deseret didn't get instructed on social etiquette, because they feel it is perfectly acceptable to take their very small children with them ANYWHERE THEY GO. There is nothing like watching Gollum bite Frodo's finger off while a one year old squeals from the seat behind you. The only thing close to being like it is watching Gollum bite Frodo's finger off and having your four year old ask you to rewind it so he can watch it again from his seat next to you on the couch.

So I was excited to watch the movie, and I wasn't disappointed. It was cute and funny and off the wall. But my favorite part was when Nacho asks his friend Steven if he is going to pray to God for help wrestling, and Steven answers "I don't believe in God, I believe in science." I totally didn't expect it, but it Made. My. Weekend.

What made my Wednesday was when I was reading some news on msnbc.com. There were two articles, one about coffee and the other about red wine, and both affirmed and strengthened my belief in my religion (science), instead of a belief in, lets say, a religion with a crazy fabricated food law.

Pumpkin Paradise

2006-10-31T10:31:00.000-07:00

Leo and Badger chose to draw instead of carve their pumpkins

Sunny chose a cute pattern out of a pumpkin carving book

and Elliott carved this cool FSM jack-o-lantern

Plus! I'm getting you all this for Christmas! Really!

Happy Halloween Everybody!

Autumn

2006-10-27T10:11:00.000-06:00

The Morning Routine, sort of

2006-10-24T17:24:00.000-06:00

This morning Sunny woke me up, pretty much the same way she does every morning, by saying "Mom, I'm hungry. Get out of bed." I rolled out of bed. It was 7:30. I poured cereal for Sunny and Leo. I had some coffee. The kids got dressed. I kissed them goodbye and sent them out the door to school.

Badger woke up about the same time as everyone else was leaving. He wanted a toaster strudel for breakfast. And chocolate milk. With no chocolate. This is what Badger calls the pre-mixed chocolate milk that you buy from the grocery store, chocolate milk with no chocolate. He calls it this to differentiate between the chocolate milk that starts out as regular milk and that I add chocolate syrup to make into chocolate milk. That is chocolate milk with chocolate. Badger HATES chocolate milk with chocolate, but loves it without. Go figure.

I drank coffee and watched TV with Badger for a long time. Until like 11 am. I was hungry and decided to have a bowl of cereal. Special K with red berries. I poured my cereal and then I poured some milk on top. Chocolate milk. With no chocolate.

I have no good explanation for why this happened. I wasn't tired, or very distracted. I wasn't wanting to try something new. I wanted regular milk on my cereal, I absolutely meant to pour it on my Special K. But I picked up the gallon of chocolate milk and poured it on my cereal and didn't even realize what I was doing until I was practically finished. I'm guessing it's an early indicator of Alzheimer's. Or some other horrible disease.

I ate the whole bowl of cereal. I didn't want to waste it. It really wasn't that bad. Go figure.

Favorite quote of the day

2006-10-20T09:08:00.000-06:00

"Mom, I totally smell something burning. I think my butt is ON FIRE! "
-my son Badger

Lunch, Utah style

2006-10-19T09:10:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago, my one and only Utah friend invited me to a lunch she was having for her birthday. And although she is my only Utah friend, I am most certainly not her only Utah friend so there were going to be about 8 other people there. I am going to call her Lisa, because while that is not her name I think it has a nice ring to it. And let me say that while my friend Lisa is Mormon, her level of Mormoness is largely influenced by whomevers company she is presently enjoying. That is to say, when no Mormons are around she can party like a drunken sorority sister on the rebound during rush week. But put a few other Mormons in the mix, and she is the picture of the Molly Mormon Happy Valley Homemaker. Sadly this is how most Mormons are. I don't know if any of you have heard the old joke: When you take a Mormon fishing how do you keep them from drinking all your beer? Take two Mormons. I wasn't too worried about the lunch though, because who would go down the path of righteousness when they had the chance to go down the path that rocks?

Anyway, I was pretty excited about having an afternoon with other adults eating good food possibly drinking a little wine and maybe, as ladies often do when they over-imbibe at a luncheon much to their embarrassment the next day, find out who goes down and who prefers the backdoor action. Not that I actually care about other peoples sexual preferences, it's just that I find drunken sex talk funny. When other people do it. Naturally, with my expectations being built up so high, the only place left to go was down. Down, down, down to the bitter depths of despair. And that's where I went.

I arrived at the restaurant a little bit late, so I sat down and Lisa introduced me to everyone. There were a couple of neighbors, a couple coworkers, a sister-in-law, and another random friend. Some of these people I knew, some I didn't. The waiter came over to take my drink order so I scanned the table to see what kind of poison everyone else was taking. This was my first mistake. There was nothing stronger than diet Coke at that table. I was in trouble and I knew it then. This was a Mormon party. I ordered an iced tea, because I enjoy iced tea and also to be a little snotty. Mormons hate iced tea. I might as well have said I'm a Lesbian Alcoholic Democrat when I ordered iced tea. It's the same thing.

Because I was a little late, they were already deeply engaged in conversation and I couldn't follow it all. It was something about Who Knows What and You Know Who and I Could Care Less. What I did notice about this conversation was that it was littered with very specific Mormon words and phrases, like Relief Society, Young Women's, and Sacrament Meeting. Words and phrases that I didn't think should be used during a party of mixed company when there is a chance that somebody there is not Mormon and might not know what the hell you are talking about. But of course this is Utah so the natural assumption is that everybody knows. And truthfully? Everyone probably did. I found this pretty discouraging. But of the few people I knew at the party, although they were raised in the church, I knew they didn't go to church anymore and they weren't involved with it in any way, were they? That's when I discovered all those people had actually gone back because they now had children. I find it somewhat odd that they didn't enjoy the church enough to keep going when they became adults, but they feel their kids should go now that they are parents. It's like they just don't have any idea how to raise children so they are falling back on a repressive religious system to do that raising for them. That or they just want their kids to be in the club. Well that club sucks people! And frankly I found this down right depressing.

Sometimes I worry that I write too much about my negative feelings for Mormons on this website. I mean, the Mormons shouldn't take this personally because believe you me I have an equal disdain for all religions. It just so happens that I was raised by Mormons and I am currently surrounded by Mormons, so that gives me a lot of ammunition. Right now I bet there are about 12 Mormon church buildings within a 5 mile radius of my house, with about 1000 people attending each building every Sunday. That's 12,000 stupid people that I see at the store, or at my kids school, or that I just drive by around my neighborhood EVERY SINGLE DAY. I don't know that pervasive is even the right word to begin to describe it.

Morning Hair

2006-10-18T09:05:00.000-06:00

Well honestly, this photo just happened to be taken in the morning but his hair looks like this pretty much all the time. I don't know why. Maybe he needs more conditioner. Or a hair cut. Or less fingers in light sockets.

Unofficial and Unaware

2006-10-13T16:29:00.000-06:00

I'm not 100% sure but I think I am the babysitter for my neighbors kids. That or they just might live here now. I have never been very quick and I've always been a pushover, but when Can-They-Play-While-I-Run-Some-Errands becomes an every day for six hours straight babysitting job I START TO CATCH ON PEOPLE! Not only do I feel used, but its getting in the way of my normal routine of laying around in my undies and getting wasted all day.

They go back on track next week. I will then only be able to babysit after school. So there!

Has anyone outside of Utah ever been terrorized this way?

2006-10-12T10:08:00.000-06:00

It happens every year without fail...except for the first couple of years we lived here which I think was a not so subtle 'Fuck You' to the non-Mormons in the neighborhood, so I suppose we have now been accepted in to their society a visit from the Home Teachers is surely soon to follow...so I should more accurately say that every year for the last three years we get this note along with a store bought goody placed on our doorstep with the expectation that will will in turn deliver it to two more homes WITH TREATS!!! people, with treats.

God I hate my neighborhood.

Lucky for me Mormons aren't allowed to use the Internet, especially the ones in my neighborhood, or in the grand tradition of their Lord and Savior, I'd be getting a burning pile of shit on my door step instead.

Mum

2006-10-11T11:01:00.000-06:00

Boo

2006-10-10T12:29:00.000-06:00

I'll take Motherhood for $500, Alex.

2006-10-09T13:54:00.000-06:00

I believe that under the official definition of Mother in the dictionary it should say: See also The Oracle at Delphi. I am called upon daily to answer so many questions, that I sometimes feel as though I work full time on Jeopardy! or some other similar quiz show. A lot of these questions fall in the range of: Why is it dark outside? Why are my eyes blue? What is for lunch? Where are my shoes? Why is it raining? When will it be Christmas? All of these questions, while they can be extremely annoying especially when fired at me with the speed and accuracy of an Uzi, are fairly easy to answer. Occasionally I get to answer a really cool question that takes a little more thought, a question that makes me feel good and at the same time really fucking scared about being a mom and my roll as an official Shaper of Little Minds. Among my favorite of these types of questions are:

What is karma?

What is a bigot?

Why aren't we Mormon?

and just today....Mom, do you think I will be gay?

Touch Me Fall

2006-10-06T16:19:00.000-06:00

When we decided to build our house five years ago, one of the things we both really wanted was a big yard, so we bought the biggest lot in the subdivision. This is just one more way in which we have proven ourselves completely witless and absurd, mostly because neither one of us can stand even the idea of doing yard work. It is a hatred so deep that given the choice between mowing the lawn and sitting in a Mormon church for three hours every Sunday, I'm honestly not sure which one we would choose. And the root of this problem can easily be summed up in one word: expectations. When I was growing up, my dad did all the yard work. In Chris' house it was his mom. So naturally we each kept waiting for the other to step up and do the job. And we were waiting, and waiting, and we would still be waiting if not for the grace of one man. The guy that laid our sod for us, Andy, must have seen something in our faces as we looked out over the massive expanse that is our yard, something that looked a lot like horror and a million fights in the making, so he gave us the phone number of his younger brother who had a lawn service.

Right now I'm sitting on my bed with the window open listening to Tony mowing the lawn and the kids jumping and playing on the trampoline, and I just keep thinking that this is what happiness sounds like. I was watching Oprah the other day; and let me pause for a second to say that this is one of my most favorite ways in the whole world to start a sentence. Years ago before I was really interested in the computer at all, I would watch Oprah every day. It always gave me a lot to think about outside of Barney and diapers and kids only 15 months apart in age, all those things that consumed my world. So when Chris got home from work every day, the first thing I would say to him almost every day without fail was "Today on Oprah....". Therefore I like starting sentences that way because it gives me a sense of continuity in my life. That and I'm pretty sure it makes Chris go crazy.

Anyway, I was watching Oprah the other day, and she said something that really struck me. The gist of which was everyone should live their own truth, because life is just too darn short not to. What this means exactly is going to be different for everybody. People have so many layers of truth to themselves that it couldn't be just one specific thing. It could be something simple, like hiring a guy to mow your lawn if mowing the lawn isn't you. Or it could be much more complex like giving up a stupid religion, even though it alienates your entire family and much of your community, if it isn't who you are inside. Just don't spend your life pretending and trying make others happy while making yourself miserable, that is not what we are here in this life to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there should be a national revolt of people giving up house cleaning because, hey babe! cleaning is just not my 'truth'. Nobody really likes cleaning. But there isn't any shame in admitting it isn't where you want to spend your time and possibly paying someone to come help you clean twice a month, and to Hell with what the neighbors think! When my neighbor found out about the lawn boy and what we paid him, she laughed so hard and said she was sure she could do her lawn and ours in an hour and charge us only $7. But she is now on trial for having sex with a sixteen year old and making up a false police report, so I think I was right not giving her comment too much merit.

So live your truth, own it, and be happy. It's what I have desperately been trying to do by giving up the Mormon church. And hearing the Queen of Everything say it out loud on national television made me feel strong. Feeling strong is pretty much what I need right now. It is always at this time of year, starting in fall when I begin to feel crushed under the weight of my own guilt and regret. It was in the fall, three years ago that my brother died, and I have to admit that it continues to be very hard for me. So while I try every day to not drown in sadness and depression, I'm going to try to focus on the strengths and happy things in my life. My family, and Tony the lawn boy, and finally living my own truth.

Father and Son

2006-10-05T13:03:00.000-06:00

Future host of Punk'd

2006-10-04T10:27:00.000-06:00

Leo wrote this note last night and taped it to his wall. For those of you who have trouble deciphering the chicken scratches of a first grader, it reads: Note to self...Do pranks on people.